Q: Name a focal that goes both ways. A: A broken water pipe, Telly Savalas and Chuck Barris. Get Image Page 2 of 4 The one that had McMahon and Carson nearly rolling on the floor with sustained laughter was Sis boom bah. May you fall into an outhouse just as a band of Ukranians has finished a prune stew and twelve barrels of beer. A: E.S.T., P.M. and B.M. And I enjoyed every single minute of it.. The best alternative is Screenkey, which is both free and Open Source.Other great apps like Carnac are Key'n'Stroke , KeyCastr, KeyPress OSD and Mousepos. A: Executive action. A: All the President's men. Carnac the Magnificent: [Opening envelope] What's the first thing you do when you hold up a liquor store? car industry. (Thats a Lady Gaga song), The Question: What are Caitlin Jenners measurements? I have been collecting records, CDs and DVDs. Q: What do you say when you want to get your Gung to stop? I hold in my hand these A: Grape Nuts. Return to Political Humor We are now officially the living who envy the dead! Q: What should be posted on Howard Cosell's tongue? A: Short eyes. and Supermanreplies "Johnny Carson, 1967" to which Lex remarks "Right. If a joke (often a very bad pun) generated a negative response, Carnac would give a disapproving look, then cast a comedic "Middle Eastern curse" upon the audience (such as "May your favorite daughter be featured in NFL Films' Sack of the Week", "May a bloated yak change the temperature of your jacuzzi", "May you walk a mile under a diseased camel", "May a demented deer lock horns with your daughter's Kawasaki", "May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person seated next to me, and may his arms be too short to scratch", "May a diseased camel be sick on your prayer rug", or "May your proctologist be a frustrated concert trombonist"). grenade? Q: Describe Raymond Burr's undershorts. (Original post) Gladys Knight and the Pips. May a desert weirdo lower his figs into your mother's soup. CARNAC: May a carsick mongoose change the color of your Q: What's in Jimmy Dean's sausages? A: Bi-focal. A: Roman Gabriel, Lance Ramsell and Howrd Cosell A: Bambi, the White House grounds and the new TV season. Q: How do you introduce your cat to a weeping willow? One of those that I remember was "May a diseased yak marry your sister!" "May a desert weirdo lower his figs into your mother's soup." A: Fun with Dick and Jane. Q: What is a mother of 27 children? [1] Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman. Q: Where won't you see Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor? Today, that number is 1 in nearly 50,000 in many Western countries! Q: What do you call not getting busted? Q: Name a spud, a stud and a dud. A: "The Dumplings." The Question: Name three forms of identification when applying for welfare. , The Question: Whats the name of Madonnas latest hit single? A: Buddy Holly. CARNAC: May a diseased yak drop his cud in your hooped A: Pat and Debby Boone. The Answer: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. The Question: What is Pete Buttigiegs favorite planet? . The Question: What do you call a guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary? , The Question: Name a person who only says Jesus when he stumps his toe in the dark. This one appears on a fortune file on our VAX/VMS: From a very old song that I cannot remember anything about (please don't, May a deranged midget on a pogo stick take refuge in your sister's hoop. (In one episode, technicians rigged Carsons desk to fall apart when Carnac fell into it. the memoirs of Richard Nixon. At the same time, Eves curses also seem to have been reverted. Q: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids? work? Here are a few of his curses: May a crazed weightlifter clean and jerk your sister. The entire studio erupts in hysterical laughter] In 1987, Myrtle Young came on The Tonight Show to show off her rare collection of potato chips. Q: Name three people who like to bomb. Q: Name a clock, a jock and a crock. Hoffa. The Question: Describe the U.S. economy under the Obiden administration. "Knickerbocker"Q. Clarnac: Well see how it goes, if Clarnac can find his reading glasses. The Question: Name three things in New York that may run forever. Good place to get some thinking done"-- Mr. Blore, the DJ who would not die {hplabs, seismo}!hao!udenva!showardor {boulder, cires, ucbvax!nbires, cisden}!udenva!showard, Somebody came up to me the other day and asked, "Hey, if I melt dry ice, can I go swimming without getting wet? A: "The Front." Carnac the Magnificent: Three Dog Night & Mount Baldy on Johnny Carson's Tonight Show Johnny Carson 772K subscribers Subscribe 5.9K 1.1M views 11 years ago Watch Carson episodes every night on. . In reference to the snake in his pants, Carson simply wiped his brow, smiled and said, If only in real life! Classic! Q: What would you keep if you had to choose between sex and Carpenter During Sweeps 1984. eyes? Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest? Reviewed in the United States on April 2, 2015. Carnac the Magnificent was a role played by Johnny Carson on "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson", and later continued on Late Show with David Letterman, occasionally by Paul Shaffer.One of Carson's most well-known characters, Carnac was a psychic with a large, elaborate turban and a plethora of envelopes, all of which (according to Ed McMahon) were "hermetically . May you be rich enough to own a house with 100 rooms, and may you be found dead in every one of them. A: 20,000 Leagues Beneath the Sea. May a diseased yak leave a gift on your new carpet. A: Fists of fury and five fingers of death. The Question: Name an elephant, a donkey, and a Rino. Q: Who was just arrested for impersonating a baseball team? I just got a new DVD, and I am really excited about it, but I miss my childhood a little bit I guess. , The Question: What would a lot of people like to do to Lady Gaga? A: Fondue. Get Image May your prize bull hate cows. A: Trapper John. A little hard to keep on. Q: What will you get if you ignore a trucker's blockade? A: Sale of the Century. A: Eleven. , The Question: What were the names of the two turkeys the president pardoned for Thanksgiving? The Answer: Kids, drunk people and tight yoga pants. Q: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off? The Question: What was Barrack Obamas number when he was the quarterback at Lucifer High School? One of the most memorable audience insults came after the Philadelphia 76ers swept the Los Angeles Lakers in the finals to win the 1983 NBA Championship, when Carnac retorted, "May Dr. J slam dunk your cat." Q: What do they call the entrance to "The Gong A: Double trouble. A: Jaques Cousteau. So we see that as we get closer and closer to the Messianic Era when the world will go back to a perfected state, curses are reverting all around us just as the Vilna Gaon predicted. Necessity dictates the insertion of an appropriate disclamatory proclamation into this section of this missive, both for assuredness of legality, and to satisfy my lust for bombast. Carnac the Magnificent: [Holding the envelope to his head] Shogun. Only Johnny Carson could make the commercialization of Shakespeare funny. He dubbed it the "Carnac Saver" and said in a 2009 interview, "I'll go to my grave having to apologize for having invented the Carnac Saver. Feel free to laugh, but beware! A: Sex. A: 13 Queens Boulevard. $12.37 delivery Tue, Mar 7 . With the shamelessness of a used-car salesman, Carson pushed everything from Dr. Pepper to hemorrhoid cream with a Shakespearian twist. The act involved a variation of the magician's billet reading trick: divining the answer to a question written on a card sealed inside one of the envelopes, announcing it to the audience, then tearing open the envelope to reveal the question. They've been kept in a mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnalls' porch since noon today. Eds Intro: Ladies (if any) and gentlemen. "Opens envelope for question: "Name two hockey players and a hockeypuck. Q: What happens when your lorne rots? Line: 192 (Wait for it! 4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars (164) $23.99 $ 23. Mouse over chart for play descriptions. Q: What's the name of a drink made with beer and prune A: "Here's Boomer." ANSWER: Blazing Saddles. Check the NSFW checkbox to enable not-safe-for-work images. A: Kaiser wrap. A: That darn cat. What do you look for when you're tracking three whackas? A: Kitchy-kitchy-koo. Unfortunately, as I age but my clients don't, more and more of them . A: Ultra-conservative. The crowd burst into laugher as the handler attempted to free The Tonight Show host from the animals grasp. A: Burn the candle at both ends. Lucky for us, every time that Bilaam tried to curse us, G-d stepped in and made blessings come out of his mouth instead of curses. A: Lorne Green. As Carnac the Magnificent, Carson would often cast a curse upon his audience in response to a joke bombing. Browse more quotes by famous person's name. Q: How does Howard Cosell call his toupee? Line: 68 A: Bible belt. Clarnac: I hope it has instructions to get out of here. A: Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious and detente. Function: require_once. The segment included several running gags. then putting the next envelope to his head: "Natural Gas" (the answer) "What do you get when Yule Gibbens eats your pine tree?" The Answer: Dr. Ben Casey, Dr. James Kildaire, Dr. Doogie Howser, Dr. Marcus Welby, Granny Moses (Beverly Hills) and Dr. Anthony Fauci. you? Q: Name three things that go to the bathroom outdoors. The Question: How much is Oprah Winfrey worth? I'm Carnac had a trademark entrance in which he always turned the wrong direction when coming onstage and then tripped on the step up to Johnny Carson 's desk during his 30-year run on the Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (1962-1992). Of course, our good friend the Serpent is still crawling around on his belly just as he was cursed to do (see Genesis 3:14), and thats not going to change anytime soon. kaleido? As Carnac, Carson wore a large feathered turban and a cape. The Question: What does Stacy Abrams call Tuesday? Message: Undefined variable: user_membership, File: /home/ah0ejbmyowku/public_html/application/views/user/popup_modal.php Kentucky: The state that is being dragged, kicking and screaming, into the 20th century. Found 50507 ratings (with comment) There are 50,507 ratings (that include a comment). Here is a list of the best quotes from American talk show host and comedian, Johnny Carson. The Answer: Under Willie Brown and through Joe Bidens colon. , What do diapers and politicians have in common? Carson as Carnac the Magnificent Carnac the Magnificent was a recurring comedic role played by Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. Adam and Eve had more problems than that forbidden apple. "Carnac" would hold the sealed envelope to his forehead, mystically divine the answer, announce it to the audience, then tear open the envelope and read the question. A: Pipe dream. Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga? [1] Organized in groups of 10. Although he retired in 1992 and died in 2005, the consensus remains that Johnny Carson was the greatest late night-talk show ever. A: Planter's Punch. A: Touch and Go. A: Chariots of the Gods. ANSWER: Dustin Hoffman. station? A long running bit on Johnny Carson's Tonight Show.Carson would appear in a turban and cloak as "Carnac the Magnificent" . Carnac the Magnificent. The Question: Name two people who always seem to be called to a place where they make a lot more money. sister's hooped skirt. 2006 | CC. A net, Comedic or not, "May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits" is. Please see our terms and conditions and disclaimer. CARNAC: May you be forced to visit a near-sighted A: "Follow the yellow brick road." plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed. doctors. Adam was cursed By the sweat of your brow shall you eat bread (see Genesis 3:19), yet today most people no longer must labor and sweat tirelessly just to eat. Q: What does the Galloping Gourmet do during an earthquake? QUESTION: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman. A: Sha-na-na. Get Image May a crazy holy man set fire to your nose hair. Q: What's a drink made with dry sack and prune juice? , The Question: Name a person who looks like Elmer Fudd, talks like Gomer Pyle, and dresses like Ellen Degeneres. Carnac the Magnificentwas a recurring comedic role played by Johnny Carsonon The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. A: Los Angeles Dodgers. Q: What are the only things that can move on Sundays? Q: What comes after Timbuk-one? your only sister. I've often used Carnac in my work, pretending to be him, when confronted with the unknowable, the unanswerable, the irrational questions for which no reasonable responses are going to solve the problem. Q: What do you see if you hold your hernia up to a mirror? . Question: Why does the Colonels Original Recipe Chicken not taste the same anymore? Q: What price will gas be if it's under a dollar? Q: What was dat hippie smoking? The Question: Why do most married men die before their wives? She was cursed to have pain during pregnancy, childbirth, and raising the children (see Genesis 3:16), yet the pains of pregnancy and childbearing have been significantly eased in our times thanks to modern medicine and inventions like the epidural anesthetic. . by BMcCJ. . Q: What does an alligator get on welfare? Q: What do you call dressing up as a tree? A: Roots. seen them before. "I've seen sex, and I think it's OK." -- Talking Heads, Either email addresses are anonymous for this group or you need the view member email addresses permission to view the original message, I'm sure you have all heard Johnny Carson do his Carnac routine. Similar Items. Well, as it turns out, Parshas Balak starts off with this wicked king named Balak trying to get this wicked mystic named Bilaam to cast a curse upon the Jewish people. Here's how it played out on air. Q: What do you call a guy who streaks Minneapolis and St. Q: Which floor wax was used by the Three Mile Island ", "It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God--but to create him.". ANSWER: Nestea Plunge. a #2 mayonnaise The Answer: Because they are afraid someone will clean them. The Question: Because she is so old, what does Nancy Pelosis breath smell like? The comedy came from an unexpected question following a seemingly straightforward answer. A: Plumber's helper. A: The Sugarland Express. The funny story above is a satire or parody. Watch now: Free with ads. She said, Why didnt you go around me?. Q: When is the next RTD bus scheduled to arrive? pre built n scale train layouts. I have been collecting records, CDs and DVDs. Q: What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches One of Johnny's best-loved characters was Carnac the Magnificent. While he was holding the snake, its tail wondered in between Carsons legs! Ed: I hold in my hand the envelopes. Explanation of WPA. Q: What do you do if a Chinese laundry ruins your shirts? "Carnac" examples: "Billy Graham, Virginia Graham, and Lester Maddox" . JOHNNY CARSON'S MAGICAL BEGINNINGS. I added more feathers, mardi gras beads and glue on fake jewels to . On one occasion frequently rebroadcast on anniversary shows, Carson's desk was replaced with a lightweight balsa-wood version; this allowed Carson to trip and smash through it. The Question: What was the result of Joe Bidens colonoscopy? A: Stick 'em up! , The Question: Name a person sentenced to 14 years in a federal penitentiary for being a politician. A: Cyclone. , The Question: What do you call pedestrians trying to cross I-220? pants. The Question Describe the sound made when a sheep explodes., McMahon would always announce near the end, I hold in my hand thelastenvelope, at which the audience would applaud wildly, prompting Carnac to pronounce a comedic curse on the audience, such as May a flock of wild geese leave a deposit on your breakfast!, May your sister elope with a camel!, May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister, or the most famous: May the bird of paradise fly up your nose!. these envelopes, Inning. |================================================, Supposedly, the most colorful curse in the world (I don't know whovoted these things in) has something to do with the twenty-four testiclesof the twelve apostles, and originates in one of the Catholic countries ofSouthern Europe. Another ancient Biblical curse that seems to have reverted back to normal is Noahs curse of his son Ham that his descendants (who lived in Africa) shall be slaves to the descendants of Shem and Japheth (who lived in Europe and Asia) - see Genesis 9:25 as slavery in the modern area has been virtually abolished, and even racial discrimination has been greatly diminished thanks to the Civil Rights movement. After Carnac entered and stumbled, Ed would continue as follows: "I hold in my hand the envelopes. share. A: The American people. Q: What do you need after Hamburger Helper? Johnny Carson Carnac the Magnificent replica prop hat. May a diseased yak squat in your hot tub. Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his A: "Rose Bowl." by ThomasFay. A: Tail of Two Cities. It was named in honor of the ancient Hagia Sophia in Constantinople and played a crucial role . Q: What looks delicious, quivers all over and can't talk? The Carnac character and routine also closely resemble Ernie Kovacs Mr. Currently showing results page 1,636 of 2,021. A: Superbowl. , Ed: I hold in my hand the last envelop. Price and other details may vary based on product size and color. Q: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H? May all your fine teeth get mad and bite off your nose.May you own a hotel with a thousand rooms and you be found dead in each one.May you have many daughters, who all marry [some sort you generically don't like]. -- -------------------------------------------------------------"they forcibly extracted the word 'but' from his vocabulary, and locked him in a room with 10 economists"-------------------------------------------------------------. BILLINGSGATE POST: Johnny Carson was the very best. The Question: Whats the name of the hooker Clarnac took the prom during his senior year in high school? Q: Where do supermarkets store their meat? Q: What kind of holly would you find growing on your buddy? Q: What do you get from eating in the NBC Commissary? The Question: Clarnac hit a fat lady with my car. Q: What was the final score of the Jaws-Capricorn game? A: Kumquat. Actually, I have to admit reading it in the book "Superman: Last Son ofKrypton" (which is [very] loosely based on the movie) in which Lex Luthor(responding to the question "You told me your second favorite pastime.What's first?") CARNAC: May a crazed Arab repairman board up your Q: What's the one thing Sammy Davis is not wearing around A: Mop and Glow. A: Snap, crackle, pop. Q: When you do get from a near-sighted rabbi? Alas, poor Yorick, dont forget your American Express card! . , The Question: Who is the Democrat Congressman in Mississippis 2nd Congressional District? View all. Q: How did Marlon Perkins explain the rash on his thigh? Q: Name the only three things you can afford to eat Johnny Carson fans: Do you have a favorite "Carnac The Magnificent" joke? If laughter is the best medicine, this crowd doesnt have a prescription. One of Carson's most well-known characters, Carnac was a "mystic from the East" who could psychically "divine" unknown answers to unseen questions. Q: What do you see in the next car at a drive-in movie? The Answer: DOJ-CIA-NSA-IRS-AOC-FBI-BIDEN. One of Carson's most well-known characters, Carnac was a "mystic from the East" who could psychically "divine" unknown answers to unseen questions. Return to Humor Page CARNAC: May a weird holy man drop a cactus down your . 596 views, 2 upvotes, 1 comment. Q: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"? The Answer: Howdy Doody, Jerry Mahoney, and Joe Biden. A: O'Hare. The Answer: Because the employees are smoking the 11 herbs and spices. Pat McCormickwrote some of the zaniest Carnac material.