He blames me and a type depression i have, on everything. I was actually having nightmares about the place and felt I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. My unemployment is already taking its toll on the relationship. I foolishly thought I could deal with his ways, but I was so wrong. Her husband simply looked at paid employments as a demeaning thing to do. That is the hallmark of a heathly relationship, regardless of what era we live in. He pays for me as much as I pay for him so its equal. I was used to being self sufficient. He needs to FEEL THE PAIN of his choice not to work. 6. He says he wants to marry me but hes currently jobless and living with his dad. He at 1st was able to contribute his half 600$/month for rent while I payed for the other600 on top of all the food, utilities, car, gas, etc. I dont know what else to do!!! I cant make him do anything. As for how this has impacted me: I am growing very resentful and embarrassed at his lack of ambition, we fight all the time, almost daily, and Ive gained weight and stopped taking care of myself. Things were going well for him until he made an investment abroad and he lost everything, and I mean everything. He keeps intimating moving back home, but I dont want to. Its so frustrating and scary. My husband has been unemployed for over a year and three months. My bills and your bills shouldnt even be part of your vocabulary. You have done an amazing job of standing by your unemployed persons side despite the mental, physical, andspiritual turmoilthat unemployment puts everyone through. If I tell him not to, he tells me Im ridiculous and that no one will break in. But, sometimes, when . A few were pretty good but the most recent was the most financially helpful. I knew he hated working as a slave, so one day when he had a bleeding rectum we went to the urgent care center. now almost 53, extremelely depressed, and unsocially unaccepted. Im at my wits end. Ive applied to at least 5 jobs a day since moving here, and only a handful of interviews have come out of it and no job offers. This is not your fault. All Rights Reserved. When she met her current husband, she was 32. Hes been trying to trade commodities for all these years and no breakthrough. Giving all of you a big hug! Get a job.anything to bring in money & my stress will subside to a tolerable point. He is always downstairs by himself watching tv because he hates living here so much. 10 Things You Dont Have to Pay Full Price for This Week. My husband has been abusive in the past, but I came back. My partner is really supportive but I know that hes pressured too because his mom always talks about money and about how hard it is for me to get a job because I did not finish bachelors. Now I am covering them all. Yes after all this I an praying for a breakthrough from God. He is actually very against taking it. Regardless, your resentment cant be allowed to stand, and it stems directly from your choice to maintain your expectation that he work for pay. We just broke up last night and I feel this amazing wave of relief and at the same time having been with the same guy for 5 years is equally devastating. He looks at job postings online every other day but never applies! They realize that you are probably going to feel like Tom Brady hypothetically being rejected by The Cleveland Browns and this is how they want you to feel, shocked, in disbelief and hurt. Its always that hes either under qualified, or overqualified. Heres another thing that gets me: He has long criminal background and always uses that for an excuse. I am ready to move on and I told him. He told the guy he was thinking off keeping the business part time so he could also pursue his art! Plus, I still make the same pay since I started, which is near minimum wage. Instead she generally sleeps till noon, watches tv all day and does minimal housework or job hunting. Have you considered getting her some training for jobs like certified nursing assistant? I have been paying his back child support and co signed for his daughter to get a car but I dont feel its appreciated. So first of all, do yourself a favor and give yourselfyour mind, body, and soula break. Women, children and minorities are victims. I can barely read these posts without tears. I am about to give up on one of them and return it back to the bank, which will be a huge hit to our credit, but all of our savings are exhausted, and I am not sure what else to do. Tells me Im looking for someone rich. She has taken a course but has put off taking her state exam over the last few months. He was doing fine performance wise, but was always in an angry mood with a boo boo face saying little to nothing to co-workers. Husband unemployed for over a year. It works well for them. Maybe your partner is a little too good for the jobs they are going for and/or makes the insecure hiring manager feel threatened that your partner may take their job or leap frog over them and become their boss. The emotional roller coaster we both are on is not new to anyone reading this thread the excitement of job potential, the crushing defeat of not securing the job, the depression and inaction following that defeat. There are things he does here at home in the warm months. I am so fed up of my situation, I want to take my one and only son for swimming lesson but I cant. I always dream If I were younger (now I am 40+)and no children I can start my new life easily and dont need to be struck in such situation. down. I recognise now 25 years later that my husband likely has aspergers none the less he is relatively awful to me does nothing and doesnt work. So endearing, we keep them for years. My heart goes out to Ms. Y and people like her. do you honestly love him and see spending your life with him? But of course no luck and I guess he got very discouraged. Two thirds of my wage is spent on existing (rent, bills, food and travel) the rest I dont feel I can spend on myself as Im always thinking about next months costs. The person questioned whether I knew how far I would driving when I took the job. Like some others have said, just having a rant about this has somewhat helped, and as I said at the beginning just reading about other similar stories certainly helps. Speaking personally, the divide-and-conquer strategy is a game changer. I own my own home and it is rented. I cant do anything by cry everyday. Once youve realized things really would fall apart, its time to step up, he said. GOOD FOOD too. Now, its time to apply to online jobs but all he does is to play with our kid, play games on his phone, etc. How long do I let this go on? Was supposed to start 3 weeks ago. bottom line is dont punish yourself for getting in this dealeo, just reverse course, these are only interactions with fellow human beings, look out your window there are thousands of us. Set up a chore chart for him and just calmly tell him that if he is going to continue to not work then he will need to do the chores. And when they dont have a job they are around the house 24/7 getting on your last nerve causing you to wish-hope-pray that they find something soon even if its something that ultimately is only going to last for a year or less (given the persons track record in these matters.) Some are the only people their unemployed partners will talk to about their suffering. And Im too tired of carrying us to help her feel better! It also invites him to lay claim to certain realms where he feels more confident rather than feeling like youre handing him a chore chart. Something was always wrong that he couldnt stay there. I dont know if he will make a good father, if I will ever get back to uni, if he will ever be able to hold down even the simplest of jobs. Im tired every day from working 10-12 hours each day sometimes 6-7 days a week to make ends meet and get us what we NEED. If you want your self happy, no matter how harsh the environment, you can. Id have someone paying for half the cost of living rather than paying all the bills for two people (plus more if there are kids). This has always been an unpredictable paycheck, but I work very hard to make somewhat of a decent living. Now I am extra disappointed that so many of these chores still fall to me on top of my demanding job. When they have a job its temporary as sooner or later they are going to lose it for reasons well within their control. Ugh reading all of these comments makes me think of my current woes. So betrayed. I fantasize all the time about just running away from the stress. At the end of day, what way you choose lead to an expected consequence. What else can you say to this kind of people ?? He is not financially responsible at all so he said Im In the wrong for being dishonest with him. He has been incredible to my family & helped take care of me when I was recovering from surgery. This is known as "specializing," explains Ogolsky. We have gone to counseling, taken classes. Earth can get scorched on this path you cook for . Im not interested in giving him another year. I am 21, and she just turned 27. And I am wondering whether I should also tell him soon, to go back to his parents place, get himself sorted out and then if he still wants me, to come back and we can move forward. We lived on an island, so he constantly needed to take trips to the city to finish various things like a background check, psychological evaluation, written exams, and interviews. (willingly or unwilling due to the children) Keep a sound point of view. If I wanted money, I wouldve kicked him out 8+ years ago when he left his job. When we got married, I never invisioned having to carry us by myself for this long. Even thinking of leaving them now has me in tears Put his pride aside and make minimum wage if he has to for a while, but for Gods sake.do something! Sometimes too much support can lead to learned helplessness it is very difficult to get out of it as you feel so insecure and needy. My boyfriend refuses to work. All of the struggle is worth it, to put a stop to the abuse. He has a hard time staying at them. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. He has applied for six jobs in that year SIX!!! I really needed this thread for the validation and comfort. My husband has been out of work for the last 7 1/2 years it is taking its toll and if I hear another person tell me to hang in there as there is light at the end of the tunnel. Let me know if Im sounding too harsh. I think Ill stay with my mom for a few weeks until something changes. How stressed do you think Ive been huh? Turns Out That the Husband's Job Is Probably the Best Predictor of Divorce. Reminds me of someone who lives with me who I wish had some sort of a life (a job, hobbies, interests, something, anything to get them the hell out of the house for eight/nine hours a day so I can have a fucking break from them without me having to leave.) Please try again later. There is too much fluff and fairy floss around all this stuff, you know, relationships and love. Not enough black and white hard speak from us old battle ships broad sided on deep waters and left listing to limp home. This little girl said over and over money doesnt matter, everything else does So, I quit my daily grind job to take care of my dying Momma, and havent been able to find proper work/proper pay since. then i remember he has no job and no where to go, so what am i suppose to do with that? I adored him for the first half of our relationship he is witty, intelligent, an excellent father but alas, Ive done my bit now and Ive had enough had enough of being the sole breadwinner, had enough of not being able to afford to do much as a couple or with the kids, had enough of crappy birthdays and Christmass and had enough of all my friends regarding him as a total loser. My husband has been unemployed for 18 months and the emotional Rollercoaster of his near miss job hunting has been so hard. Ive been dating a guy (I am 21 and he is 28) for 9 months and his contract job ended right when we started getting serious. I pay for everything mortgage, car, bills and he doesnt want to claim for benefits because he does not want to stoop that low I though of leaving him or going the easy way of committing suicide. I love him so much, I truly feel he is the one but I am just trying my best to power through and be good to him and have as much faith in Gods plan as I can. I am my career is my life type and I wouldnt even mind if he wanted to only work part time and be a stay at home dad type. Hes 31 and Im 23. I have been with my fianc for 5 years and we got engaged last December. So he left and I stayed in the house only by virtue of the fact that I was a saver and not a spender. We have been in a relationship since 2011 (4years) and now I think I am tired of trying to get a better future with him. My husband retired from teaching 17 years ago and became a "couch potato," while I have fortunately continued working since then in a pleasant and creatively satisfying administrative job. Attitude can have a lot to do with it as well. I would be working my butt off for the rest of my life to make up for his lack of ambition, drive. First, I am going to suggest counseling for you, make sure the therapist is using Mindfulness or DBT techniques. He just thinks everything will come to him I feel :/. I never liked him, but this is different, she pays everything herself from rent to bills to groceries. He has a college degree and at this point I feel he is now unskilled for todays workforce. He was raised in a very traditional household where his mom was a homemaker. It cant just all be on me. He was supportive. Im a 23 years old female, recent grad and working with the occupation that I studied for in college, Ive dropped out on several occasions while my fianc continued his studies in criminal justice- trying to be a cop. So it is tough from a lot of different standpoints. DO NOT LET IT GO ON. I just want a salary every week. I really wish I had asked a lot more questions about what his plans were. You deserve love and respect which your currently boy friend seems not able to offer. I can and have used public transportation to get to interviews before but a lot of times it wasnt reliable and kind of made a stressful and anxious situation even worse. 155: What the Bible Says About the Church, Greenies and Commies Partner For Propaganda, Montenegros EU Membership Key to Opposing Russias Imperial Aspirations, The Economic Case for Better Recycling Policy, From a Progressive Christian Antagonist to a Christian Advocate. Remind yourself that that doesnt need to be the track you follow, said Samantha Rodman, a psychologist in North Bethesda, Maryland. Oh yeah, Ive GOT a job but im the one looking in the ads so maybe I can get a better paying job and GET THE HELL out the house. So dont give me that oh, be patient, hes having a rough time, he was abused when he was a child, blah blah blah Well you know what I say, so what. I am not going to waste what life I have left on this planet to support some mooching con artist. Hes buying beer with YOUR hard-earned money and sitting on the damn couch all day? I am thankful for that. plus I dont see myself dealing with this the rest of my Iife. The pay was amazing, and finally I could stop worrying about money so much, and maybe even have a week off work (I havent had a break for over two years) There are also many online resources that may be of assistance: https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html. Im the one that list the job due to seizures. Wish you the best. THE MALE EGO IS INSUFFERABLE. All rights reserved. Its very labor intensive and I do need his help. Its like half a life. tl;dr: Husband is unemployed and doesn't do any housework, possibly has depression he won't seek help for. I like this article and really feel for Ms. Y but the suggestions to deal with it impossible. Ive been the provider for five years due to the fact that my husband cant hold on to a job. Im sad and relieved Im not alone. He owes me thousands of dollars at this point. Once released, i already knew there was something going on between him n the girl. You might be the better upgraded version! Ive been working at a job that pays significantly more than my previous jobs but Im living hand-to-mouth because I have to pay everything. It became obvious that he doesnt have my best interests at heart. You have to take care of yourself just as much as you take care of everyone and everything else. Im so sorry that youre dealing with this, but please know this isnt okay. I have become quite OCD when it comes to spending money on luxury items, and seldom do. Im unsure if he has what it takes to be retrained but the relationship is over .. ill hope we can split under good circumstances . Any advice is much appreciated. And you are laser focused on one little man with an attitude problem. She constantly wants to go on trips with her friends and vacations every month from unemployment while Im left here taking care of her cat and when I tell her we cant afford it, she says Im being controlling? Every time she messes ANYTHING up, especially if its somethign for me, she get depressed and teary. When that happened I just tried to help the person gain more skills either online or with classes. She underwent mastectomy in one breast 10 days after diagnosis. So he gets the credential (after his hard work much to his credit)and he is surprised that the sky doesnt just open with raindrops of jobs. My depression and anxiety didnt get properly treated then and mental health was a taboo subject amongst family and friends. There has to be some movement in life other than: quitting drinking which he has done. Husband laid off May 1, I have FT job, I NEVER MISSED ONE PAYCHECK IN OUR 6 YEARS TOGETHER. Its good to find a blog on partners of the unemployed. Weve divided their advice into two categories: what they tell the exhausted spouse and what they tell the spouse whos slacking off. Im not sure why I never attempted to drive but my father stopped driving as a young adult for some reason and my parental great grandmother never drove. My elderly grandparent needed someone to stay with them and thats what we are doing. This is why so many people are unemployed because they are great, equivalent to franchise caliber free agents in sports and they are found to be weird or intimidating due to hiring managers being used to average and mediocre people. I think I was just trying to get across that putting down my people in every conversation isnt a fun chestnut we should pull out every dinner. Hes amazing with me- caring- loving- sweet but his dark side is scary. This is CRAP advice. I know because I am a wife who really struggles with keeping the house clean. Originally we both wanted me to be a stay at home mom, so my husband doesnt even want me to work anyway. On top of that he pays ZERO bills in MY house, and I say my house because his name isnt on anything. It was not the lack of money so much as these other 3 factors. Im tired of hearing his excuses on why there are no jobs out there and I hate this city, I feel exhausted and to the point where Im tired of being the only one bringing income in. Ive been at my current two jobs for six and a half years! We have now been here 7 months. Sometimes unemployed people go looking for work and just dont find it. A guy who really wants this relationship will make the effort. U can not hope to choose way A to reach destination B. Ie. The apartment is in my name, so i know i have every right to kick him to the curb. But I realize this has not been healthy for me or the marriage. Id just end up alone (basically the current situation), paying alimony (basically the current situation), and paying for all of our daughters expenses (the current situation). I do all the cleaning, cooking, housework, laundry he just spends. He does not vacuum, clean, shop, wash or cook. Im not stupid enough to believe i can change him. Sometimes I am scared of what he will do if I throw him out. He was furious. I can barely afford all of our expenses and we are living pay check to pay check. There are no jobs that pay what he used to make ($60K plus benefits). So why wont he just find SOMETHING so we can take our life off of hold. Its been nine years since my husband last held a job. From the sounds of it, youre young and have the time to learn a new field. Needless to say he got angry. He was put on meds but once he read the side effects he quit taking them. It completely sucks but its a paycheck. The wife had tried everything but their partner have not improve too much. I was rehired before thanksgiving. With the next interview, we hope hell get hired. 3. He has been fired or laid off of every job. You get to have a life. called police 14 times plus moved again, only to have one last guy that was the strongest of them all. That might play out in them being critical of how you handled one of your new tasks. Ive been with a guy for 25 years now, father of my two children. He was so frustrated and yelled he couldnt even go out for one night. The reality of our society is that men and women split the load for the most part. Laura, whose husband's joblessness put at risk their lifestyle (big house, full-time nanny, that kind of thing), had to force herself to go from being a notoriously blunt individual to one who was much more cautious. I always asked myself what shall I do? I didnt want her to suffer any more, so I agreed that she should stop teaching for her own health and for the stregnth of out marriage. Reasons Your Husband Doesn't Do Anything Around The House. You may say Man can also be a good child raiser, but they are rare. Just this year, we had to give up on that too, since it was clear that she wasnt gettign any where with it and that she should give up. It REALLY hurts. No collage degree. Insurance refused to pay and we had to fork out about 30 thousand pounds fixing the apartment to make it livable, let a lone sellable. As hes been out of his profession for so long, its doubtful hell be rehired in the same profession, much less at the same salary. Im tired. I love my children. I was given notice on my job six months ago that I was being laid off. Often this is at the heart of many disagreements about chores. ALOT. You can just search free behavioral health care in your state on Google. Try praying to God for wisdom. Any advice is apprciated. I say unto you, dear partners: It is time. Mickarther, thanks for your comment it can only get better and somethings got to give, right? Six of those years he was in prison. He goes on interviews but never gets hired. Personally, I am sick and tired of being used, I pay for shelter, food, clothing, household maintenance items, laundry, basically EVERYTHING, for a partner I consider now a con-artist. Fortunately, he receives food stamps, but it does not relieve the financial pressure I am under. I have nowhere to go. Many men still embrace stereotypical beliefs about domestic . Not to mention it has lowered my self esteem completely to ask him for money when I need it. Hi I am Mrs Y too, yet I am not the wife I am the girlfriend. I am in the exact same situation. Right now, my prayer is to find some type of friend or community or even support group! I have to say I have a lot of resentment towards him because I basically become the main breadwinner with no say. Thanks for listening to me. 5. sitting in front of computer all day. Im not stupid, Im aware I need to leave him. Im so tired. DEAR ANONYMOUS 2: You switch assignments to give him things he can't function without. There are very nice nursing home facilities that would have taken care of your mom. I just feel like its a vicious cycle that isnt getting better. He does seasonal factory job from Sep to Dec in order to save up money to buy his gadgets during black friday and boxing day. Whenever I ask him to please look for work, he would roam around the house, clean, wash the laundry and make himself useful in house chores. Ive been with my other half for almost two years. Now imagine the rest of your life with someone like this. Before we met and got together, he was apparently a very hard worker with a great job. He also has a family which might as well not exist. When he was working he paid his share but spent his left over money on who knows what (probably strippers although I dont have proof). How can you possibly give yourself a break at a time like this? I feel and think that I have been very patient. It is somewhat relieving to know that I am not alone. Since then nothing, down to our sex is the same. Finding this site and reading these comments is really helping me. No one will be able to do this for you. My husband has been unemployed for almost 8 years, since 2008. I even hired him a career coach and SHE is frustrated with him. Often, your partner does less because you allow them to, because you expect them to, and because you teach them how to treat you.. I work in retail been with the same place since the store open..im done being the winner. David, I think for most women with long-term unemployed spouses its not about being money-grubbing at all. Not saying give them a hand out but Im sure a hand up would be greatly appreciated. I relate to Y, H, Emma, and so many others of you. This has lasted way longer than we ever anticipated that it would and quite frankly there are days where I just see no light at the end of the tunnel. I suppose I was running away and subconsciously wanted to be looked after. My significant other (of 26 years) worked in the MSP industry, and was making pretty good money at the time, so we could still manage to support our high rent, and the two new cars that we had purchased over the last couple of years to commute to our jobs. You sit there sometimes [in] silence. So I am trapped. Sorry if I sound smug, but thats what your husbands should be doing, not living off you. What if the person is purposelly stretching out the unemployment. Sick of it. Who feels for us ladies that are trying to make ends meet it is good life if you dont weaken. Life exists after this drama ends. I feel sometimes like Im his only solace. Im self employed. 0. The love was only some movement which has passed. My roommate is a serial squatter at this point who refuses to leave. obviously this is a thing women are allowing men to do. Whereas my Mercedes (car) is driven by my husband. You may need to give him a timeframe, say 90 days, to either be working, or you will leave and no longer support him financially. He says he wants a job and is looking, but when I come home after work theres been no progress and I know hes been watching cable all day. Must be nice coming home. Maybe when I wake up, hell have a job. I dont know what to do. He is helpless and weak and I read my do despise those qualities. Like every woman on this thread, I am tired of carrying the financial burden of what feels like a 2nd child. I know some of the things you are thinking right now. If you are out actively seeking employment and honestly giving your best effort AND you are working any job (even if its flipping burgers or being a Walmart greeter) you can find until you get back into your career job.then this thread isnt about you, because you are making an effort.